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Sunday, July 20th, 2003

Subject:New Journal!
Time:4:00 pm.
I changed my journal to www.livejournal.com/users/ubersushinerd. This way I have a journal that's shallow enough that my real-life friends can read it. So if you have any comments on the problems I've written about in here, don't post them in the new journal please, but email me or something. Thank you, tomodachi-chan!!!
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003

Subject:Nerd Camp and Parties
Time:12:57 pm.
I've decided: I must have parties in Nerd Camp. Even if they are all merds, so are some of my friends, so I can figure out how to get them into the spirit. I just don't think I'll be able to survive for three weeks without a single party. Parties make the world go 'round, I tell you! Hopefully there will be a booze cabinet or something that we can smuggle into our dorms. I mean, since I am now definitely going to camp, I might as well make the best of it, huh? And what could be better than taking logic courses and swimming during the day and acting like an animal at night?
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Subject:Missing R and Self-Mutilation
Time:12:16 pm.
R is in Japan now. For two whole weeks. But I won't be able to see him until the 19th, when I get back from Hawaii. I miss him so much - he only left today, but just knowing that I won't be able to contact him at all for almost four weeks hurts. We talked over IM last night, though. He's so sweet. He said that he didn't care what I said, he was bringing me back something from Japan. I told him I'd shower him with leis or something when I got back, so we're even. God, I miss him so much...I need to stop, or I'm gonna like kill myself. Well, not literally, but whatever.

Last night was pretty bad, too. I was feeling so bad about Japan - how I was such an idiot to pass it up for Hawaii, etc., etc....I cut myself again. I feel horrible about that. I promised my parents I wouldn't ever do that again, but I was so stressed out, and it did make me feel better.
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Sunday, June 22nd, 2003

Subject:Fuck This
Time:1:55 pm.
I hate my mom. She's such a bitch. I hate everything; my life is so stupid. I wish I could go to Japan, but I can't now. I hate my parents. My mom once said I was like her life going down the toilet. I have a headache now. I wish Ross were here. I don't think even he could make me feel better. When I was in Oregon w/my parents, they were taling about the move and I asked if it was necessary and they said yes and I fucking refuse to move. All I have is here. My mom said I was being selfish for not wanting this for my dad, too. I hate them both. If we do move, I'm running away. My friends say they'll help. I can't live like this, I hate my family.
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Wednesday, June 18th, 2003

Subject:We are the Champions
Time:5:34 pm.
Officially a high schooler now. Wow.

I'm going to miss everyone so much. I've never felt this strongly like that before. "We are the Champions" by Queen pretty much sums up how I'm feeling now.

The cruise/last day of school was just great. Great and sad. But I got an excuse to hug R. We won't see each other for awhile, so I just hugged him and told him I'd miss him. It felt so good. God, it was so great...I had CH, my best friend, and R, my boyfriend together with me at the same time. That's what life is about.
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Tuesday, June 17th, 2003

Subject:GRADUATION!!!
Time:9:40 pm.
I'm a big 9th grader now! Haha. Really, I'm glad I made it through middle school. It's especially a big deal because if I'd had my way a few months ago I wouldn't even be ALIVE now, but now I'm just so happy!
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Monday, June 16th, 2003

Subject:More Stuff
Time:1:09 pm.
I'm home sick with a cold today, so I'll take some of my extra time to fill you all in on what's been going on.

N is currently trying to pick everyone up. Yes, really. First he did it to my (unwilling) bf, now he's done it to everyone else but me. So I'm his next target. Yay. Seriously, though, we were both hanging out at E's house and N was begging for me to let him pick me up. Then S asked why he didn't just try picking up EZ or something. He was like, "No, she's too thin." I wasn't too happy about that and said, "Hey!" and he said, "No! What I mean is you have a nice rack." Great way to talk to your best friend's gf, huh? He's like that though, and (hopefully) only joking.

I talked to R on the phone for the first time last night. He was re-tying his shinai, so we didn't talk much. It was awkward, but not too bad. It could've been worse.

Graduation is on Wednesday. On Friday we had to practice it for TWO HOURS. It was so boring that finally a bunch of us escaped to the girls' bathroom, including G and HS - both guys. S even gave HS some eye makeup. It was hilarious. He'd make an excellent drag queen.

I'm moving my party to the 23rd, because R has some person from Denver visiting from the time school end until the time he leaves for Japan and that's the only time he'll really be free. And I'm going off to Geek Camp in Hawaii before he gets back from Japan, so I won't get to see him for like two months after we graduate. This summer's really gonna suck. Oh well.
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Sunday, June 15th, 2003

Time:12:26 pm.
Sorry for the long down time, guys...not much has happened that I feel like writing about. Until I do, StepMania ROCKS!
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Monday, June 9th, 2003

Subject:Luck
Time:6:15 pm.
I'm crazy. I like R so much. He's so nice to me, not like A who would just as well spit at you as look at you or G who doesn't think about what he says or HS who's self-involved. I can't believe I even met a person like him, much less had him like me back the same way I like him.
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Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Subject:R
Time:7:01 pm.
I don't know why I bother. My parents would never let me stay in Seattle while they moved away. But I don't want to leave everyone. Especially R. He's constantly on my mind, and I really doubt he'll get off it soon. Even my icon here, the Kenshin x Kaoru one, reminds me of us because he's so much like Kenshin...and I guess I'm bitchy enough to be like Kaoru. God, I just want to hold him or something.
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Subject:Living Alone
Time:2:09 pm.
Okay, I've decided to become as responsible as I possibly can so I can maybe maybe maybe get permission to live alone if my parents move away. I'll learn to cook and clean. I'll study and get my homework done on time. I'll go to sleep at a reasonable time and wake up at a reasonable time and not whine or get into fights. It'll be hell, but it'll be worse if I have to move.
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Subject:SHIT
Time:1:43 pm.
SHIT SHIT SHIT I'M NOT MOVING!!! I REFUSE TO MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO!!!

God it's JUST sunk in that I might be going. And if it's not SF, it'll be some other godawful place. SHIT.
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Thursday, June 5th, 2003

Subject:Am I a Freak?
Time:11:43 am.
L and I had a big blowout yesterday night. In a chat room on AIM. I managed to spill my deep, dark secret about how I used to cut and attempted suicide once, and how it was her words running through my head when I did so - when I drew that jagged piece of metal down my arm, when I swallowed those pills and wrote that suicide not with only too words: "I'm sorry." So now J and L and EM and HS and R know all this...I'm such an idiot. I just got so mad. When I get mad, I totally lose control. I just hope R doesn't think I'm a freak now. I don't want to lose him. I only just got him, and I've been so happy. It's like the only thing keeping me afloat now. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion; he's just my first boyfriend, there will be more. But I can't help how I feel.

Social calendar: G's birthday party the day after tomorrow. E's barbeque dinner/party on the 14th. My end-of-school perty on the 22nd.
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Saturday, May 31st, 2003

Time:9:01 am.
Yesterday was like a sip of hell and a keg of heaven. Really.

During school I was all withdrawn and quiet, because I was scared about telling R, and what his reaction would be after I told him. After school my mom gave me a pedicure and then I went online to chat with friends or find R or whatever, but I seriously wasn't expecting him to be on. I told him I liked him, and his reaction was actually pretty funny when I look back on it. He was like, "and no one put you up to this?" and I said "hell, you think i'd do something like that on a dare?" and then he logged off for like five minutes. I was so mortified, I really can't describe it. But then he logged back on and said that he liked me, too, but had no idea how I pulled off telling him. I was sooooooooooooooo happy!!! And I still am!!!

I couldn't talk long though, because I needed to get ready for tolot. I wore a sleeveless black dress that went down to my knees, bangles, heels, the choker C get me from Hawaii, and my hoop earrings. I had on sparkly purple nail polish on all 20 of my gorgeous nails, and dark lip stain that made me look goth but pretty. HA was dressed in this funny outfit - a pink dress and a red hood, both very old-fashioned looking, and E was dressed in a totally goth outfit. We were such a funny crowd! Anyway, I danced my butt off and killed my feet, but i was sooooooooo fun!!!

Life is good.
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Friday, May 30th, 2003

Subject:I've decided to tell R
Time:11:35 am.
Hum-de-dum, I managed to forget lunch again. But I did get to eat HS's roll and carrots that he had in lunch, so I'm not too hungry.

I've decided to tell R that I like him today, or as soon as I catch him on AIM. It's just getting too complicated, and I need to clear some of it up. I guess I've osrt of given up on him liking me back, but I don't know....I just need to get it off my chest. I hope he gets online sometime while I'm on tonight. I won't have much time to spend on the computer though because there's the tolot tonight. R's not coming.
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Thursday, May 29th, 2003

Subject:Love
Time:6:44 pm.
What's the difference between love and a crush? I need to know. This has been driving me crazy: I think I might be in love. I just want to make R happy. I mean, it would be wonderful if he liked me the way I like him, but if not I'm okay with it as long as we can still be friends and I can still make him laugh.
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Time:11:42 am.
Japanese Club isn't happening today, so we're all just hanging out at C's house. I invited A (male) to come along, because C (female) has a crush on him, but he said no. Damn him, he's not good enough for C anyway. He's a total jerk, but C still likes him. He's totally infatuated with AU (female, another A) now, even though AU doesn't give a sheet about him anymore. But I alerted R to the change in plans, so he might might might be coming to C's with us. Perfect. And a lot of people there know that I like him, so maybe they'll help out a bit. Or hinder my efforts to get close to him, but whatever.

I'm worried that R likes L (she-devil) more than he likes me. CH (a different C, female) says that I'm better than TONS of girls and not to worry about deserving him or not. But I can't help it, R's so damn smart and L shows off all the time, so she gives that impression. CH says that L and I act the same way....I hope I'm not that much of a bitch. I know I tease people maybe more than I should, but I also like to resolve arguements and fights.

Oh geez, I think R thinks I like HS (male)....Ohhh no.
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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003

Subject:Love Polygons
Time:8:11 pm.
Okay, so here's the grand outline of our problems here:

N (male) doesn't like E (female) as I just found out. E doesn't know this. No one seems to know who N likes, but G (male) and S (female) also like him. G also likes S, but S is too busy drooling over N to notice that the perfect guy is right under her nose. EZ (a different E, female) likes P (male), but none of us really care who P likes cuz we never see him. NK (male, a different N) is practically stalking EZ, who is totally leading him on. I like R (male), but no one knows who R likes. I recruited G to find out, since he is R's friend, but who knows if that'll work? Well, stay tuned for more confusion.
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Tuesday, May 27th, 2003

Subject:Down With Love
Time:3:32 pm.
And no, I'm not talking about the movie.

G likes S and N, but S likes N and lord knows who N likes.

I like R, but R might like E.

E likes N, but she isn't sure if N likes her back or what.

HA likes HS, but HS doesn't like anyone...or so he says.
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Monday, May 26th, 2003

Subject:Crushes!
Time:12:05 pm.
R's friend G doesn't like me that way! He likes S. I asked him if he did just to be annoying, and he said he didn't know. I asked what he meant and he said that he thought he was gay but then he kind of liked this girl. Surprising, I didn't think he'd open up to me. I told him to screw the labels and just go with what he felt. And then he asked if he should ask S to the tolot! Everyone seems to want my advice now, it's really flattering. I told him that he should if he wanted to, and that it wasn't too risky cuz they're already friends.
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LiveJournal for Hannah.

View:User Info.
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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.